Our special investigative reporter Stephen Twomey got exclusive access into the latest FIFA Committee meeting as the footballing powers that be give us an insight into the bribe…I mean preparation that goes into ensuring these complex events run smoothly.
Sep (ed: this is a bit too obvious, lets hide his identity for legal reasons)….ok so…Sean Black: How is the Brazil World Cup coming along as we reach the final month of preparation?
Head of 2014 Brazil World Cup Committee: If I’m being frank, we are almost in crisis mode right now. The stadiums are unfinished and the infrastructure projects such as roads, trains and airport redevelopments are in disarray. That is before we take into account the political and social unrest that was evident during last year’s Confederations Cup and which has remained bubbling under the surface. Can I make a suggestion?
Sean Black: Go on my little underling….
Head of 2014 Brazil World Cup Committee: Given that Brazil themselves have paid for all this redevelopment work and we get to accrue all the profits from the actual tournament itself – would it not be perhaps a good PR exercise…(he hesitates)…to…hmmm….donate a small amount to projects such as schools or hospitals in disadvantaged slums?
(Room erupts in laughter)
Sean Black: Who do you think you are…some sort of Nobel Prize winning saint? That’s the reason we held the World Cup in South Africa so that an actual outstanding visionary human being could be recognised for bringing peace to that region….
Head of 2014 Brazil World Cup Committee: Nelson Mandela?
(Room erupts in laughter)
Sean Black: Can you believe this guy really? It is of course I Sepp (ed: careful now)….Sean Black who should have been awarded such an honour! South Africa has never been better since Sean Black brought the beautiful game to these peasants in their little shanty towns. I even dragged this Mandela chap out of his sick bed so that he could endorse my campaign for the prize. I have only one final important question – are the contracts secure so we get every last penny from this tournament and don’t have to share it with anyone?
Head of 2014 Brazil World Cup Committee: Yes
Sean Black: Then the tournament shall be a great success…..you’re fired by the way so please leave the building before I set the hounds on you. Moving on how are we looking with regards the 2018 World Cup preparation?
Head of 2018 Russia World Cup Committee: Looking splendid o’ great one. Apart from the leader of the country displaying totalitarian tendencies and threatening to annex most of Eastern Europe into a new age Soviet Union, it couldn’t be running much smoother. By 2018, the new Cold War between the US and Russia should be in full flow so it’ll make for a great group stage game if we can rig (room goes silent)…were lucky enough that they would be drawn that way.
Sean Black: I’ll have none of this “rig” talk. FIFA is a completely transparent organisation with a history of running the game for the betterment of the world footballing peasantry and more importantly our corporate partners.
Head of 2018 Russia World Cup Committee: Of course that makes perfect sense….
Sean Black: So when will the next instalment of the “Russian Bribe Money – 2018 World Cup” be placed in our Swiss bank account?
Head of 2018 Russia World Cup Committee: 4/6 weeks depending on what mood Mr Putin is in.
Sean Black: What do you mean? Is it not grateful that FIFA has placed this gift on his doorstep?
Head of 2018 Russia World Cup Committee: He is but you know how dictators work. One minute he’s sweet talking you and saying how much he’s looking forward to hosting the World Cup, the next minute he’s invading a sovereign state.
Sean Black: I see, he’s a busy man. Keep me posted on that.
Head of 2018 Russia World Cup Committee: Do you want to hear how the stadiums and infrastructure are coming along which will benefit the ordinary fan facing an inordinate amount of travel across the biggest country on earth….
(Room erupts in laughter)
Sean Black: This guy is funny, I like you! Ok let’s move it along to Qatar 2022. I admit this is a bit of a f$%k up so we need to acknowledge our mistakes. But at least those Arab guys know how to bribe, am I right? Hands up for those of you who now have a free fuel card for life?
(Everybody puts their hands up)
Doesn’t Uncle Sean think about you all? Now s%$tface, tell me how preparations are coming along.
Head of 2022 Qatar World Cup Committee: Yeah well our most recent experiments to counter the heat was to play a match in a giant stadium sized refrigerator, move Qatar a couple of thousand miles up the road in the direction of Scandinavia or perhaps use all the slave labourers currently building the stadiums as servants with air conditioning devices to keep you and our corporate partners cool…the football fans attending the games and the players can just get a bottle of water or something.
Sean Black: That last suggestion sounds promising and they said we’d have to play this tournament in winter. Good work. I think that just about adjor….
Sean Black: Hello
John Delaney – President of the Football Association of Ireland: I know it’s getting a bit late in the day but I have new batch of reasons why Ireland should be the…
(Phone is put on loudspeaker)
Sean Black: Should be what, I can’t quite hear you…
John Delaney – President of the Football Association of Ireland: Ireland should be the 33rd team at the….
(Room erupts in tears of laughter)
John Delaney – President of the Football Association of Ireland: Ah jaysus Sean, you haven’t put me on the loudspeaker again! But while I have you I was thinking with the Ivory Coast having a green, white and orange flag like ourselves, would it not bring some colour symmetry to have the two of us at the tournament?
Sean Black: I will give it some…serious…consideration. Now f%$k off you Irish pixiehead….FIFA are for the good of the game, we don’t do f%$ing miracles!
Sean Black: Meeting adjourned!
Stephen Twomey, Pundit Arena.