What type of manager are you? At one point or another we’ve all gotten notions about managing a football team. For some of us, we fulfill our dreams in FIFA or Football Manager. For others it’s a conversation about tactics in the local.
1. The Wheeler Dealer
You know what players are available on a deal and at what price. Partial to an occasional spending spree, you see nothing wrong with splurging in the transfer market, only to do it all again in six months time.
2. The One Cup Wonder
You attain mythical status for taking perrenial underachievers on a dazzling cup run, beating some of the big boys on route. Your reputation will hit heady heights previously unknown, only to fall once more when its apparent you’re a flash in the pan.
3. The Wind Up Merchant
Forget tactics, transfers or training. Your goal in football is simply to wind up the opposition team. Your bag of tricks contains mind games, snide comments and occasionally violence. Football’s entertainment and you’re the star.
4. The tactical genius
4-3-3 into 4-5-1? Never content with leaving well enough alone, you’ll spend an entire game swapping players’ positions. When it works you’re a genius. Just make sure your players can understand you.
5. The tinkerman
Football is a tough game and players need a rest. Always. With an incredible complusion never to leave things alone, you’ll ensure that every team you put out has a new combination of players. Wait six months and half the fans will hate you for it.
6. The mercenary
You’re brought in to do a job, whether it be avoid relegation or make the top four. You don’t care about the fans and they don’t care about you. Get in, get it done and get going. You’ll leave each job with a fatter wallet and a better reputation.
7. The long ball specialist
The most effective way to score a goal is from the least amount of passes. Big Man up front, long pass from defence. Simple. It was good enough for Graham Taylor and it’s good enough for you.
8. The purist
Football is a beautiful game and should be played as such. Neat passes and quick play, that’s the way football should be played. Expect every other team to try and bully you off the ball. Always try your best to avoid wet, windy nights in Stoke.
9. Blind man’s bluff
Should any opposition player have the audacity to cheat, you’ll spend the entire post-match interview singling him out. Once questioned about your own players, you’ll look the reporter dead in the eye and say that you didn’t see the incident.
10. The relegation specialist
Despite always trying your best, you just can’t catch a break. You display an incredible success rate at ensuring your club gets relegated. Never fear, you’ll inexplicably continue to be hired throughout your career.
11. The disciplinarian
Mobile phones? Banned. Social Media? Banned. Late for training? Fined. You spend so much time imposing rules on your team that you forget matters on the pitch are what count. You may or may not infuriate your star players by banning chips from pre-match rituals.
12. The philosopher
A mixture between Eric Cantona and Socrates, you answer every question in the press conference with another question. Infuriating to players and fans alike.
13. The prodigal son
You made your name at the Club and have finally been brought back as Manager to lead them to the promised land. Expect 3 months of positivity before everyone realises how out of your depth you really are.
14. The player/manager
A rare breed in the modern game. You walk a fine line between being the boss and being one of the lads. Picking yourself is fine when results are going well. Expect resentment once the losses flood in.
15. The servant
You spend so long with one club that people can’t remember a time without you. Beloved by many, you’re a dying breed in the modern game.
16. The young talent poacher
16-year-old prodigy from Peru? Sign him. 14-year-old Chinese goalie? Sign him. You display an incredible eye for some of the world’s youngest footballing prodigies. You’ll train them, nurture them and cherish them, only to see them leave once a big offer comes in.
17. Anger management
You’ll scream at any player with the audacity to move out of position during the match and heaven forbid your team will go into half time losing. Shouting, throwing and punching all make up your managerial skill set.
18, The young pretender
People aren’t sure if you’re old enough to buy alcohol, let alone manage a football team. Right off the bat, any player older than you will view you as a child.
19. The patsy
You’ve been brought in because you’re mates with the chairman and everyone knows it. No one will take you seriously and the media will suspect that the Chairman is pulling the strings from behind the scenes. Hey, at least the moneys good.
20. The exotic stranger
Brought in from foreign lands, you’ll wow fans with knowledge of continental training methods and tactics. Problem is, half your players can’t understand you.
21. The wanderer
Never content to stay in one place longer than a few years you’ll tour the world managing different teams. If you’re successful you’ll end up in Spain, Germany or Italy. If not, you’ll join Steve Kean in Brunei.
Conor Heffernan, Pundit Arena.